by Rusty W. Mitchum
I was asked to rerun this old story. It is one of my most requested to rerun and one that actually won me an award, from the Texas Press Association, believe it or not. It first ran back in ’99 so if you’re like me, you probably won’t remember it anyway. Anywho, I hope y’all enjoy it.
The other day a lady told me that she felt like she knew me from readin’ my junk, and her favorite part was when Janet would “stick it to me.” Man, there are some cruel women out there. She asked me if Janet and I were opposites. You know, like the sayin’ “opposites attract.” Well, I can tell you, that lady hit the nail on the head. We are as different as night and day; even when we were growin’ up. Now, I didn’t know Janet when she was a little girl, but she’s told me enough about it that I’ve got a good idea of what it was like. In fact, if she had written a diary about what she did durin’ the day, and I had written a diary…..well, this is what they would have read like.
Dear Diary: Today was a beautiful day. I picked flowers and put them in a vase and gave them to my best friend Karen. Janet
Dear Diary: Today was great. The stickerburrs are finally here. I grabbed a big purple bunch and threw them at Coy and stuck them right between his shoulder blades. Rusty
Dear Diary: I found a cute little puppy that was sick, and I took care of him and he is feeling much better. Janet
Dear Diary: Me and Coy found a dead coon on the road. He was still warm, so we hooked him up to some jumper cables to see if we could bring him back to life; you know, like in the Frankenstein movies. Didn’t work. I sure hope the feelin’ in my hand comes back soon. Note to self: Next time, let go of the coon before Coy sticks the juice to him. Rusty
Dear Diary: Today I made a new dress for my Barbie Doll. It is real pretty. Janet
Dear Diary: Today I took the dress off of my sister’s Barbie Doll. WOW! Rusty
Dear Diary: Today my best friend Karen and I had a Tea Party and had a wonderful time. Janet
Dear Diary: Today, me and Coy smoked some grapevine. It burned the dog out of my tongue. Rusty
Dear Diary: I’m not feeling too well today. I think I ate too many cookies yesterday at the Tea Party. Janet
Dear Diary, That grapevine we smoked turned out to be Poison Ivy. My lips are the size of hot links. Rusty
Dear Diary: The new boy at school today smiled at me. I smiled back. I think he likes me. Janet
Dear Diary: I was hangin’ upside down from the monkey bars at school showin’ out for the new girl. I fell down and landed on my head. She pointed at me and laughed. I think she likes me. Rusty
Dear Diary: I accidentally belched in the lunchroom today. I was so embarrassed. Janet
Dear Diary: I burped the alphabet today for Show and Tell. I got all the way to the letter “L” before Mrs. Paine grabbed me by the ear, twisted it, and drug me to the office. Nobody around here appreciates real talent. Rusty
Dear Diary: My dog Jimbo is the smartest dog in the world. I taught him how to sit up today. Janet
Dear Diary: We tied the wagon to my ol’ dog, Sarge, today. We put Whee Whoa in the back and popped Sarge on the rear end with a whip. We ain’t seen Sarge, Whee Whoa, or the wagon since. Rusty
Dear Diary: My allergies have been acting up badly today. My poor nose is sore from all the tissue I’ve had to use. Janet
Dear Diary: Today I picked the biggest booger you ever saw. Coy thinks it may be a world record. I wonder who I need to show it to, so I get in the record books. Rusty
Dear Diary: I was punished today for talking back. I had to stay in my room for a whole hour. Janet
Dear Diary: I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sit down again. I’ve learned my lesson though. Don’t ever show a booger to your mom when she’s havin’ a luncheon party, even if it is a world record. Rusty
Dear Diary: I met a boy today who shows off all the time. He has no manners. He’s funny looking. But, he makes me laugh. I bet I could mold him into something worthwhile. His name is Rusty. Janet
Dear Diary: Wow! I met the girl I’m gonna marry. Boy howdy, is she pretty. She’s a little prissy, but I can change that. Her name is Janet. Rusty
Dear Diary: People don’t change after you marry them. Janet & Rusty
And the rest is history.
